I Never Knew

I never knew.

I never knew how much of a burden it was.

I never knew how horrifying an idea it is.

It’s different when it’s you;

When it’s your problem.

It feels like it’s all on you,

And even if you tell someone,

There’s nothing they can do about it.

So why would they dwell on it?

I never knew.

I never knew until now.

I never knew how horrible it feels.

To know what could have happened,

What you could have lost.

And it scares me.

That I could have had as huge an impact on someone,

As he did on me.

I never knew how much I’d regret it.

I just…

I never knew.

And now I do.

Blood & Water

I love my family.
It’s small and dysfunctional,
But they are all I’ve got.
But as much as everyone tells me
Blood is thicker than water.
It’s not always true.
Friends can flit in
And out
Of your life like a cloud in the sky;
Gone in the blink of an eye,
Or lasting days on end.
And when friends come and go,
Your family will be there for you.
But who will be there when your family leaves?
If your mom tells you you’re
Worthless.
If your dad calls you a
Disappointment.
Blood is thicker than water,
But what hurts most:
A drop of rain?
Or an open wound?

School

School’s not meant to be fun.

It’s not recess and snack time and foursquare,

Or playing with your friends and passing notes in class.

School isn’t supposed to be fun,

Is what I have learned.

School is supposed to be hard.

It’s pop-quizzes and tests and homework and studying,

And it’s hours and hours of that one math question you don’t understand.

School is stress and worry and fear.

It’s break-downs and sobbing and panic attacks.

School is not supposed to be fun.

But it’s not supposed to determine my self-worth,

Or make me feel stupid and moronic and dumb.

It shouldn’t ’cause me sleepless nights and anxiety.

School is hard.

It was never meant to be easy.

It’s years and years

Of tests to pass,

Or fail.

So,

No.

School isn’t meant to be fun.

But,

It shouldn’t make me want to jump off of my roof,

Every time I go to class.

It shouldn’t be years and years of

Resisting the urge,

And barely surviving.

That’s what life’s for.

A Cruel Joke

It’s a cruel joke.

It’s “I love you.”

It’s making me think I was

Worth it.

It’s making me think I was

Important.

Making me me believe

Your lies.

It’s a cruel joke.

You’re a cruel joke.

You made me into 

A joke.

And maybe it makes me 

Stupid.

Or naive,

Or hopeful.

But most of all, 

It makes you 

Cruel.

So who’s the joke now?

My Little Machine

One little thing.

Plastic, and

Glass, and

Wires, and

Rubber;

My little machine.

It buzzes and 

Beeps,

And tells me who likes

What,

And what time to wake up,

What day it is,

The weather tomorrow,

For the whole week…

My little machine.

It takes little pictures,

And sends little messages,

And drives me a little crazy.

It tells me when friends have

Ignored me,

And sometimes it doesn’t.

Sometimes it makes me

Worry,

That I’m not pretty enough,

With likes and favourites and ‘thumbs up’.

Sometimes it makes me jealous,

Of others romances and friendships

And lives.

Of their beauty and their personalities,

Their jokes and their families and themselves.

My little machine.

It makes me think I’m not loved,

Or I’ve lost a friend when I don’t hear from them.

It makes me impatient,

And angry.

Frustrated.

Scared.

Lonely.

My little machine.

My fucking little machine.

Always with me,

For safety and entertainment,

Music and photos and 

Conversation.

Always,

With my little

Fucking

Machine.

Surviving

Keep your chin up.
Think happy thoughts.
Cheer up, kid.
It’ll be okay.
You’ll live.
It’s not as bad as it seems.
It’ll get better.
You’ll survive.
It could be worse.
But…
How?
Life is scary,
And when you get scared
Of life;
What do you do?
Everyone tells you to
Stay
Positive.
But they don’t know,
Do they?
They’re not
You.
They don’t understand
Everything
You tell them.
Just like you…
They’re trying to survive.
To
Think
Positive.
Survive.
It’s different for everyone,
Which makes it that much more
Difficult:
To
Understand.
So just keep your chin up.
It’ll get better,
Someday.
You’ll survive,
Because that’s all we’re good for.
Surviving.