I Am Trying

I’m trying.

I am trying so hard not to feel this way.

I get out of my bed everyday.

I brush my teeth.

Sometimes I even leave the house.

I

Am

Trying.

But it’s so hard.

It’s so hard to go on with my day

Like I don’t feel I’m a complete

Failure.

It’s so hard to even want to get up at all.

Everyday is just a new nightmare,

A new way to screw everything up even more.

But I keep doing it.

I keep getting up,

And eating something,

And going on with my life.

Even when I wish I wouldn’t.

It’s so fucking hard.

And you can tell me I’m strong,

You can tell me it won’t last,

And that I can beat it;

But I am just so 

Tired.

It all takes so much energy,

So much effort,

Just to even look like I’m alright.

Like I’m happy.

And there are days where everything

Isn’t

Alright.

There are days where I don’t beat it,

Where I don’t get out of bed.

There are days when it gets to be too much,

For me.

But I 

Keep

Going.

No matter how much I want to,

No matter how many times I fall down again,

Relapse,

Go back to my old habits;

I 

Keep

Trying.

I’m trying not to feel this way.

I really, really am.

And I know you can’t really

Understand it.

I know you can’t always

Be there

For me.

But sometimes I just need someone.

I need them to hold my hand,

And rub my back,

And not say anything at all.

I just need someone to

Be

There.

I know you want me to feel better,

But this is something only

I

Can

Do.

It’s my fight,

My war,

And I don’t need your help 

In the battles;

I just need you to

Be 

There,

When I can’t fight anymore.

When I can’t get out of bed.

When I simply, can’t.

So just know that I’m trying.

I really, really am.

So you need to try too,

Because I keep going, and

I am

Always,

 

Trying.

I Wish

I wish you’d told me I could do anything.

I wish you’d said I could write a book,

Or that I could be a famous artist.

I wish you’d said that you’d love me no matter what,

And that my future wouldn’t affect how you’d feel.

I wish you’d told me it’s okay to not make a lot of money,

That I didn’t have to marry a rich guy.

I wish you hadn’t made fun of my future so much,

Or joked about my life all the time.

I wish you’d told me I was beautiful,

That I was special.

I wish you’d told me I was smart,

No matter what my grades said.

I wish you’d say sorry to me when you yelled at me,

I wish you’d hugged me when I cried.

I wish you’d given me your support,

In everything I did.

I wish you’d told me I could do anything.

 

Yeah, I wish.